"My child is being bullied because they are too nice." This is a frequent comment from parents bringing their children to us for help at The Phoenix BullyProof Project and USA Martial Arts.
The problem is that it is simply not true. I'll get to that in a moment.
It is tough to see your child suffer the teasing, taunting or cruel comments and treatment by other kids. Most of us have memories of those awkward school days of nasty remarks and behavior. While some children are able to negotiate these situations, others aren't so easily able to manage.
Fix The World - Not My Kid
Just recently I had a mother bring her daughter to us to get help and say, "I want my daughter to learn how to deal with bullies and stand up for herself. I think she's just too nice." I empathized with her situation and told her that many other children experience the same thing and parents frequently bring their kids to us for the same reason. I did an assessment and my response to her statement surprised and upset her.
Just recently I had a mother bring her daughter to us to get help and say, "I want my daughter to learn how to deal with bullies and stand up for herself. I think she's just too nice." I empathized with her situation and told her that many other children experience the same thing and parents frequently bring their kids to us for the same reason. I did an assessment and my response to her statement surprised and upset her.
Uncomfortable Myths
"That's not true. Your daughter isn't being too nice. In fact, she's not nice at all. She is passive. Passive is not nice; it is weak and powerless. Being weak and giving your power away is not nice or respectful to herself. Saying that she is 'nice' is justifying a dangerous behavior. Powerlessness attracts abuse just like in nature as prey behavior attracts predatory attacks."
"That's not true. Your daughter isn't being too nice. In fact, she's not nice at all. She is passive. Passive is not nice; it is weak and powerless. Being weak and giving your power away is not nice or respectful to herself. Saying that she is 'nice' is justifying a dangerous behavior. Powerlessness attracts abuse just like in nature as prey behavior attracts predatory attacks."
Passive = Permissive
Statistically we know that children who demonstrate passive behavior are the most likely to be the targets for bullying and many kinds of abuse. It is a serious risk factor. Children whom are perceived to be passive and quiet are targeted because they are deemed by predators as least likely to tell, be resourceful or resist.
Truth is Not the Enemy
The mother looked at me as if I was the enemy. I could see that she had not had anyone with real experience in resolving bullying situations talk honestly and directly to her. In fact, it was evident that she was put off by my blunt diagnosis and assessment. Furthermore, the Mother, at some level, knew she was being passive and didn't like how my comment made her feel as a Mom. It is much more satisfying to hear that you are a victim than you have some controlling stake in the process and can take steps to change it.
What Most Parents Want to Hear
What Most Parents Want to Hear
It's not your fault. Let's blame someone else. Let's get revenge on all the mean people who hurt your baby.
Are You Participating in the Abuse Cycle?
"I can tell from your energy and demeanor that you are modeling passive behavior and body language to her. If she believes she is powerless, then she will continue to be the target for abuse. It will not change unless you and she are willing to change. She will have to learn how to stand up for herself by being assertive. By the way, assertive does not mean aggressive."
Teasing, Bullying, Suffering - We Provide Real Hope
The pain of being teased, bullied and picked on from being passive is one I am very familiar with. I've been teaching men, women and children how to successfully protect themselves for over 30 years now. It begins with not giving away our power. It will be uncomfortable - but very worth it. It will be a process but we are here to guide and teach. Your daughter is suffering needlessly. When would you like to see that change?"
The pain of being teased, bullied and picked on from being passive is one I am very familiar with. I've been teaching men, women and children how to successfully protect themselves for over 30 years now. It begins with not giving away our power. It will be uncomfortable - but very worth it. It will be a process but we are here to guide and teach. Your daughter is suffering needlessly. When would you like to see that change?"
Unwilling = Unchanging
The mother folded her arms and looked away. I gave her one of my Anti-bullying books as a free gift to demonstrate my commitment to help. She hung around a bit while I did some role playing with her daughter and then departed. My prediction is that she and her daughter will continue to have these problems in the future. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
The mother folded her arms and looked away. I gave her one of my Anti-bullying books as a free gift to demonstrate my commitment to help. She hung around a bit while I did some role playing with her daughter and then departed. My prediction is that she and her daughter will continue to have these problems in the future. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
Hope
I am confident that one day she will return to us when she has accepted this hard and inconvenient fact. When she does, we will be ready to guide her and her daughter to greater hope, empowerment and personal freedom from suffering. Change begins when we accept responsibility and help - however uncomfortable and inconvenient. Most security, and peace of mind, comes at the price of inconvenience.
John Nottingham is on a mission to empower individuals to effectively protect themselves and deal with bullying behavior with a proven peace process that offers hope and healing. He is a family man living in the Scottsdale/Phoenix Arizona area. An Amazon Best Seller, you may recognize him from his appearances in the media as a safety & security expert. He is the founder of the Phoenix BullyProof Project, International Bullying Prevention Initiative, Nottingham Sword & Shield Security and a 7th Degree Master Instructor of USA Martial Arts Phoenix. If you are interested in Bullying Prevention Certification or to have him speak to your school, church, company or organization please contact info@usa-martialarts.com
