Bullying and the Crumpled Paper Exercise...Bullying Victim Propaganda - Unintended Messages We're Sending To Children About Bullying and Self Esteem

Crumpled Paper Bullying Insults Exercise and Victim Culture 

Have Your Children Seen This Anti-Bully Exercise?
Alarmist Anti-Bully Propaganda Perpetuated Myths & Messages

A teacher was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform.  She had the children take a piece of paper [In some accounts: 'and write a name on it then list harsh words, insults, teasing and mean words.']  Then she told them to crumple it up, stomp on it, and really mess it up but to be careful not to rip it.  Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was.  She then told them to tell it they're sorry.  now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind.  And that those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it.  That is what happens when a child bully's another child, they may say they're sorry but the scars are there forever.  The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.  

The Wrong Message About Bullying - Crumpled Letter

I continue to see this anti-bullying story in various versions circulate. While I can appreciate the sentiment and intention, the message is one that I believe contributes to the victim mentality of children. While the motives may be to create empathy in a would-be bully, the overarching message is one that we do not heal from wounds or hurts. 

Where Is The Forgiveness?  Where is The Hope? - Damaged Paper Bullying Insults

This exercise does not teach the amazing restorative power of love, forgiveness or freedom from victim thinking.  In helping thousands of men, women and children learn how to successfully overcome bullying, aggressive behavior and self defense situations in the last 27 years, I've seen amazing restoration and often, friendships grow out of former bullying situations.  While there is always the 1-3% of mentally or emotionally disturbed individuals, the majority of bullying takes place between people with a conscience.  Many of them have been or are being bullied themselves.  Many do not characterize or recognize our behavior as bullying.

An Alternative Point of View on Bullying Lessons

I use an alternative demonstration that offers hope and help.   I will take out $100 dollar bill.  I will crumple it, have students trample on it, punch it, wipe their nose on it, sit on it and even shout insults at it.  I will then take the bill and simply unfold it and hold it up in the air and say, "What could you buy with this?"  Pause.  "Who wants it?".  The hands shoot up into the air and eyes sparkle with eager anticipation of getting $100 bucks!

The message we send is one of hope.  That your value is not how you have been treated.  In life we may be damaged, injured, hurt, insulted, soiled, and beat up, but that doesn't determine or undermine our inherent value.  You are not the difficulties and abuses you have been through because your value is already established as a human being.  You are infinitely more valuable than that $100 dollars.

Teach a Different Lesson on Bullying: Peace Education, Forgiveness and Hope

My message to children...

Kids, if you get a teacher who gives you the bully paper exercise,  take it home, iron it, paint beautiful words with bright colors and pictures over it.  Use words like LOVE, FORGIVENESS, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, FRIENDSHIP, PEACE, EMPATHY, and HOPE.  Sign it, "LOVE, Your Name".  Put it into a nice frame.  Then return it to the class with your example of how time, love, kindness, a bit of therapy can not only heal wounds but be a foundation for compassion, wisdom and an example to others.  In fact, it can be more beautiful than it ever was before.  

Ask them if they will display your art in the classroom.  Never forget that other people do not define you and that your value or self worth is not in the opinions of other people.  You are unique and no one in the world is exactly like you or has your unique gifts, talents or personality.  I believe you are on this Earth for a purpose and can use your gifts to make the world a better place.

My Opinion on the Bullying Crumpled Paper Illustration

Again, I don't doubt the intention here, the Bullying Crumpled Paper Exercise just sends a mixed or unintended message. Everything is context. 

The Story of Lucy and Bullying

Ten year old Lucy told me, "Everyone hates me."  When asked why, she told me about two girls who were being cruel to her using social exclusion and conspiring to get her in trouble with teachers.  Upon examination, it was clear that these other girls enjoyed a higher level of social intelligence and were popular.  The misinterpretation from Lucy was that those girls represented "everyone".  It can seem this way to a bullied child without coping skills or perspective, however,  it is not true.  She had given up on teachers helping her saying, "All they do is say 'tell a teacher'. Then when I do it just gets worse cuz the girls get to me when they [teachers] aren't around."  Lucy had the bully paper example at her school and was losing hope.  

Lucy's school employed the Olweus school wide anti-bully program and even had an assembly a year ago.  Kids like Lucy fall through the cracks unless we know how to look out for them, to see the signs and take appropriate action to assist, counsel, and equip them.  She wanted to learn martial arts to exact her revenge.  When individuals see themselves as victims they often justify aggressive and inappropriate behavior.  This is just one reason that the bully paper message is inappropriate.  

I'm proud to say that after some intervention and training that the bullying has not only stopped, but Lucy is now friends with the girls.  Her experiences yielded wisdom and compassion for other kids experiencing bullying.  Lucy now speaks up for other kids targeted for bullying.

Teaching Victim-hood, Dependence or Resiliency with Interdependence

We are not helpless victims left to our own devices. Children have inherent value beyond what others deem or see in them. Children cannot be taught that their self esteem is linked to others opinions of them and then expect them to be emotionally prepared for the world we live in. We must accept reality and nature as it exists, not as we hope or wish it to be. This is the beginning of addressing denial and reclaiming our power and stake in nature. I believe that this is a more important message to convey. 

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Emotional Placebos Perpetuate Denial

While it may make us feel better about ourselves because it demonstrates how much we "care", as a bullying specialist on the front lines, I would ask everyone to please reconsider this type of alarmist propaganda. I'm in no way attempting to excuse bullying behavior but we must be careful not to demonize children nor eliminate hope.  Yes, we must encourage empathy, respect, kindness, self control and courtesy to others, however, we must be careful of the messages were sending and the context in which they might be received.

“The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.” – Albert Camus

Helpless & Hopeless From Wrong Bullying Messages

When children feel helpless and we send messages that they are permanently damaged from harsh treatment or words, it destroys hope. Hopeless children, prone to depression, have turned to self abuse and even suicide. Contemplate the larger lessons for lifelong emotional health.  

My experience has taught me that you cannot teach "ANTI-BULLY" without being anti-child.  I believe the path is teaching peace education, compassion, empathy and respect for good manners.   The rest is counseling, legal system and self defense.

Hope is a Powerful Ally - Especially Against Bullying

For an alternative point of view, solutions, questions or networking, you can read my other blog articles at Bullying Prevention Initiative International or Arizona BullyProof Project. Our goal is to provide hope, options and a way out. Hope is alive when people care and options exist. If you don't care to read my opinions or research, I would recommend school Psychologist Izzy Kahlman or Dr. Joel Haber's BullyProof.  You can also join or LIKE us on Facebook.  

Without prejudice, 

John Nottingham

Bullying Prevention Initiative International FACEBOOK
Bullying Prevention Initiative Bullying Prevention World Blog

Phoenix BullyProof Project

5 Things You Should Know About Bullying That Schools Aren't Telling You

The Politically Incorrect Dirty Secrets of The Anti-Bullying Movement

1. Over 85% of Bullying Goes Unreported
Despite Schools best intentions and efforts, there will always be bullying they cannot control. We'll tell you exactly what to do about it to protect your child. Learn the difference between actual security and security theater.

2. The majority of the school anti-bullying programs were developed first to limit the school's liability. Where does that leave the child's safety? Shouldn't children's safety be the FIRST priority?

3. None of the most commonly used bullying prevention programs were developed by professional protectors. Think about it. The good news is that our bullying prevention program program was.

Did you know that the majority of bullying takes place while not in the presence of teachers?

4. Most of the bullying programs taught in schools were developed with a political, legal and social agenda - not a safety agenda for your children. Furthermore some advocate hampering constitutional rights of free speech. Others, often calling themselves "ANTI-BULLY" seek to vilify children with labels such as "bully" rather than identifying a behavior. What if your child is labeled a "bully"?

5. Schools often do not even address physical violence. The only answer most will give is to walk away or tell a teacher. How does this address the scenario of a child being physically abused? We believe every child has a fundamental God-given right to self-defense. Suspension or not, nobody has the right to harm your child. In the absence of practical physical de-escalation skills, children resort to what then know. Look at this example.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isfn4OxCPQs&feature=related

‎"With kids, being protected is doubly important because they can otherwise develop coping methods that are counterproductive. A wisdom from Nature applies: When the dominant do not protect the vulnerable, the the vulnerable seek to become dominant." -Gavin de Becker

Children can learn force appropriate options to protect themselves as a last resort. It is a skill that comes with proper step-by-step training. We can help.

The Truth About Bullying You Already Know From Life Experience

Remember that most teachers and school administrators were the kids who were bullied when they were in school. As adults, most still cannot successfully handle being bullied.* Are they the one's you want teaching your children how to avoid being bullied? You cannot give away or teach a skill that you do not have. Will you leave your child's safety in the hands of your child's school?

Keep in mind that this is the same kind of thinking that took action after the school shooting tragedies like the 1999 Columbine shootings. Their brilliant solution to preventing further shootings? Install millions of dollars worth of video cameras in schools across America.

The sad irony of it is that in bodyguard (close/executive protection) training I had to watch and analyze hours of frame-by-frame footage of school shootings from the VIDEO CAMERAS! The video cameras did NOTHING to prevent those school shootings. We were watching it after the damage took place. This is the flawed thinking and emotional placebo approaches that non-protectors implement.

While professional protectors were offering sage advice on preventing such matters, they often went unconsulted or worse, ignored for the feel-good band-aid efforts of terrified parents and teachers.

The same fear-based thinking and political agenda efforts yielded the security theater we all now endure at the airport. Rather than using proven methods of increasing security (such as training airline employes on PINS, Pre-Incident Indicators, and using the lesser expensive and more effective trained dogs) we now have exorbitantly expensive, line delaying, overly invasive scanners.

This same idea fairy is visiting the bullying prevention movement. For the thinking and more discriminating parent or teacher...

Here's the good news!

The Bully Proof Vest program is a practical method of bullying prevention developed with BODYGUARD STRATEGIES. These are the very same methods used to protect the President, Celebrity VIPS, Judges, and other high-profile clients. They are inexpensive, don't require the school or workplace buy an expensive program, are evidence based and updated.

These Bullying Prevention methods work and that's the bottom line. (They have been for over 25 years.)

To learn more about preventing bullying the smart way, contact

The Arizona Bullying Prevention Initiative on facebook

The Phoenix Bullying Prevention Project Training on Blogger

USA Martial Arts Phoenix Click Here

John Nottingham, founder

Here are some interesting Case Studies on Bullying Prevention

This section of the Resource Guide offers a look at what has been learned and accomplished, in five key areas, by the schools, districts and community-based organizations participating in The Colorado Trust’s Bullying Prevention Initiative (BPI):

• Creating and sustaining a healthier social climate in schools and communities
• Building collective commitment to address the bullying problem in partnership
• Implementing prevention/intervention strategies that take into account not just the large majority of kids who neither bully or are bullied, but who witness bullying on a regular basis
• Involving young people as active allies and advocates in bullying prevention efforts
• Developing cultural competency strategies, skills and programs that are inclusive and enhance communication and relationship building.

To find out more about the initiative, click here.

* While we salute the efforts of schools and teachers for taking positive steps towards bullying prevention we simply wish to point out that it could be better. The prevalent systems are simply incomplete. Until and unless a bullying program takes into account the serious issue of physical harm and the need for appropriate physical intervention options, then the program is simply incomplete.

Are You Teaching Your Children any of These Dangerous Bullying Myths?

"Just Ignore Bullying." "Just Walk Away from Bullying."

Are You Teaching Your Children any of These Dangerous Bullying Myths?

Why Parents Shouldn't Say, "Just Walk Away from Bullying"

Bullying is an act of repeated aggressive behavior involving an imbalance of power, in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.

If you tell your children to ignore an abusive pattern of behavior the message that they can get is that they are not worth defending. Through experience, they learn that they are a victim and can begin to accept this as part of their identity.

o What parent wants to communicate the message to their child that they are weak, incapable of defense and not worthy of standing up for?

o That it is OK to for a bully to abuse them?

o That their only option is to cower, hide, skulk away without dignity, take the abuse and be subject to harassment from a bully?

Just walk away from bullying is not teaching a child to take the high road. It is teaching a child to take the road of abuse as a permanent victim who gives permission to others to continue bullying without consequence.

In my experience in teaching thousands of children to deal with bullies, this is the case. Many of them had been told by well-intentioned parents, teachers and adults to "just walk away" from the bullying. The results ranged from broken noses, clumps of hair torn out, emotional scarring, poor academic performance, depression, scratches, bruising, and situations that could have been much worse.

Self-defense is a fundamental human right and should not be encroached upon by anyone.

The unintended message of "just walk away from a bully" can be that the child does not have the capability, strength or capacity to effectively handle the problem. It places them in what I call a victimization box that can lead to some very bad choices and consequences. If reinforced, it can become part of their identity and lead to a lifetime of hurt. Furthermore children indicate that the message they get is that their parents and teachers are incapable of helping them. It can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. For some children it can lead them to more drastic measures.

While passivity, compassion, peace seeking measures are critical and have their place, so does self-defense. They are not mutually exclusive. Although an unpalatable thought for some, it is a reality of living in an imperfect world with people who do bad things. Despite your best efforts, you cannot always control what others do and some people do evil, cruel things to undeserving others.

To equate self defense to violence is dangerous, ignorant and irresponsible form of denial. The consequences to the child can be catastrophic. Bullied students can feel isolated, trapped, alone and feel less of value.

It also sets an individual up for a lifetime of abuse from those who would bully or harass them. Let's assume that you tell your child to, "Just walk away from the bully."

What coping skills did they learn from the bullying experience?

What safety lessons were learned from the bullying problem?

This overly sweeping advice does not fit the variegated experiences and social complexities of bullying, harassment and personal safety. There are multiple factors to be considered, and paramount is the safety and well-being of your child.

In my experience, most parents don't know what else to say so they revert to guesswork or their own limited life experience. While sometimes this can be good, most often it is not appropriate.

Years ago Karate Champion Keith Vitali appeared on television as a guest of the OPRAH Winfrey Show. He was introduced as "a martial artist who believes children should fight". This was a total distortion, but one that some alarmists in the media seem quick to try to make. What he really teaches that it is that using self defense (not fighting) is only a LAST resort, but an important step in teaching child safety.

He challenged the administrator, who was horrified with his self defense approach, by asking the school official what would he recommend once the child is being beaten. The school administrator could offer nothing other than to cry and beg for help, take the abuse and try to get away to tell. Is that an acceptible response for you child? You can read more in his book:

Bullyproof Your Child: An Expert's Advice on Teaching Children to Defend ... By Keith Vitali, Adam Brouillard

A good martial arts instructor can offer force appropriate techniques that manage damage and resolve the physical engagement with little to no serious harm to either child. Like a cornered rat, a child without training may resort to mid-brain, panic options and may have little or no control.

I have had numerous similar experiences working with teachers, school administrators and ivory tower idealists who could defend themselves as children and out of fear and denial were influencing children today with the same ineffectual and impotent ideas. You know the types, the ones that use emotional placebos in place of common sense and practical universal wisdom from natural law. Denial offers no safety.

Deniers are quick to try to make sweeping rules, dramatic gestures and overly simplified policies such as "zero tolerance". As anyone with common sense and practical wisdom knows that these can be well intentioned but often lack common sense and the judgement to view each case on it's individual merits.

You don't make the boogeyman go away by closing your eyes or pulling magic blankets over your head. (I know this from personal experience - although I cling to the idea that my mother had enchanted fabric softener she used to wash blankets with. As long as I just don't put a toe on the floor...)

The other types are just academics so fearful of legal ramifications and liability that they think that their hands are tied along with their God-given common sense.

Surely there are sensible options that teach appropriate steps to respect others, be compassionate, exhaust all options before resorting to physical intervention for self-defense. That's what I have spent my career doing - providing practical evidence based solutions to self defense situations to give people more peace of mind.

I believe that bullying, harassment and learning to deal with aggressive behavior are teaching moments that require us as loving parents and mentors to equip children with the character, confidence, tools and coping mechanisms to be used throughout life. That is not to say that they will be trying to handle a bullying situation alone - not at all. We may have to step in, however we want to give them the chance (if possible in the early stages) to learn that they can stand up for themselves, have choices, options, and therefore some power. It doesn't mean that it will work (although it usually does). But it does send the message that they can exercise some power and regain some personal dignity. They will be better individuals for it.

Putting off or delaying a problem is not resolving it. Problems have a way of resurfacing if we fail to properly address them. This is especially true for bullying, harassment and personal safety self-defense.

Another myth is that confrontation leads to escalation of violence. All confrontation is not escalation. Of course, antagonistic confrontation can lead to escalation but there are methods of confronting bullying to put an end to it that don't encourage escalation. We teach students how to give the bullying person an "out" so they can keep their dignity and have a chance at reconciliation, peace and even friendship.

Just walking away from bullying, just ignore the bully and other simple token phrases may be an option as an early/temporary stop-measure to bullying, however, it is important that we distinguish the real lessons from catch phrases and overly simplified bullying advice.

We need to treat the cause of bullying not just the symptom of bullying.

Rather than rely on luck, shouldn't we use the proven tools for personal safety we have?

Not all bullying situations are the same. The bullying advice needs to fit the situation and that takes a bit of training and practice to learn. Let us be part of that solution and help your child develop the social skills, leadership confidence, inner-strength and tactics to have peace of mind.

For more information on BULLYING PREVENTION please contact me.

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Bully Prevention Workshop for Phoenix AZ Children, Parents and Teachers

October is Bullying Awareness and Prevention Month. To celebrate, we are offering free bully prevention training to any boy, girl, parent or teacher.

You must contact USA Martial Arts Phoenix at:

info@usa-martialarts.com

or visit

http://USA-MartialArts.com

Sponsored in part by:

The Arizona Bullying Prevention Initiative - The Phoenix AZ Bully Prevention Project

http://KidsLoveMartialArtsPhoenix.com

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